PAIN

Losing a person you love sucks. There are no eloquent words to sum up the awfulness of that reality.

Sometimes the pain just hits like a ton of bricks. Or a crashing wave. Or a bullet to the chest. Out of nowhere, it sweeps in and knocks the wind out of you. If, in one moment, you were an eight on a scale of 1-10, you can become a two in the matter of seconds. When the pain comes, it feels just as fresh as when it was a constant. It’s familiar and dreadful. Its presence is caused by the absence of the only one you think could replace that pain with joy. But, as time moves forward, you realize that joy is beginning to feel like a distant memory – one that you are losing more and more each day. This pain is rooted in grief.

Grief is a monster. It is death for the living. How can something so emotional feel like you are being physically stabbed repeatedly and result in a pain so sharp it feels like the world goes dark for a moment? Yet, you welcome the release because it proves you are feeling something. What does a heart do when love feels like a loss? When pain is persistent? When the present feels permanent? When moving on feels unfaithful and unappealing?

Grief is the disconnect between the head and the heart. It’s the pain of trying to reconcile the two. My head is stuck on a resounding “no”, but my heart is fighting resiliently with a convincing “yes.” I must choose my head like I have done every other time and trust that the grief in making that choice will eventually fade. Many have walked this journey before me and promise there is light at the end.

My mind reels as my heart aches. Is he still in pain? Is his body still experiencing the loss? Does his mind consistently wander to me? Does he dwell in the hope of what could have been? Or am I grieving alone?

Perhaps, the hardest question of all: how do you forget someone you want to remember?