Pain has a way of exposing the most hidden, buried, or unknown parts of us. In my pain, I have been pondering the question, “what is pain exposing in me?” It’s something I am only beginning to discover as being in the middle of the pain is often blinding. So far, in my excavation, I have discovered discontentment and a willfulness that is so obstinate that it’s frightening at times.
I recently had a glimpse of the thing I desired more than anything else and then it was shockingly taken away from me, and no matter how many times I try to get it back, it seems the answer is consistently “no.” The frustration lies in the fact that if it were up to my will and independent desire, I would say “yes” and step into what my mind has outlined as a contented life. However, the fact that I think this decision would bring the most contentment actually points to the deep discontentment within my heart currently.
I want so badly for the phrase, “God is enough,” to be not only true in my mind, but also my heart. I believe it, but I also want to feel its truth. For so long, I have thought I have lived out this phrase, encouraging others to do the same, specifically in my singleness. But, when I was finally given a taste of my deepest desire fulfilled, contentment began to be misplaced. When I lost the relationship, I also became discontent which revealed that my contentment had shifted ownership. I had allowed a desire that is not inherently wrong to become the source of my hope which is deceptively foolish. I had allowed the temporal to replace the Eternal. The imperfect to be elevated above the Perfect. The created to be more important than the Creator. It was subtle and not quite noticed or understood fully until the relationship was stripped away from me. The pain and emptiness I felt in its absence revealed a deep and strong attachment to something that was filling me too much. It was just a slight misalignment in priority, but even with how minimal it was, the effects have been wrecking me as I grapple with a deep-seated leftover discontentment.
I don’t regret the love and intentionality I poured into the relationship. That person formed me and it was not always in a negative way. I gave love and felt love in profound ways. However, I am grieved to once again be in a familiar place I have visited over the years – the desert of discontentment. It means I have to once again subjugate my desires and trust the One who created those desires in me. It’s surrendering my will over and over again, which is brutal for a willful person. My will, or independence, has been such a valuable part of me and something I have been proud of. Yet, pride is not a word I want to be used to describe me.
It’s painful to repeatedly crucify something that has felt so core to who you are for years. Yet, crucify it I must because my will far too often is elevated above the One I follow. I cannot say I follow Jesus, yet consistently lead out with my will and the desires I have in life, assuming that my feelings know best and are the best decision drivers. I am once again brought to a place of surrender through a loss. A loss of something dearer to me than anything I have experienced before. A loss of love and the perceived contentment it brought me. And I am brought to this place of surrender over and over again as my will fights to give Jesus the person my heart is holding onto. Even though he was never fully mine to begin with – he always belonged to Jesus. The relationship was a gift. A gift I took for granted and thought would be forever. But there is only One who is eternal. One who is forever. And my contentment must begin and end with Him.
So, I slowly walk through the darkest and most painful valley I have ever encountered before, squashing my exposed rebellious will that occasionally reappears to undo what has been done or open a door already closed. Instead, I trust the One who knows all and sees all. The One who is the Source and Giver of hope and contentment.
What is my pain exposing? It’s exposing my desperate need for a Healer, and thankfully I know exactly Who He is.
My Mind Vortex 